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Tut. tut. You shouldn't scoff at the work of boffins; these people have to earn a living too. We all accumulate a vast amount of data that if properly analysed could help to give new meaning to our miserable lives. In fact, you can do it yourself with one of those bright yellow books entitled '******* for Idiots'.
To that end, I recently downloaded the vast amount of data that my GPS has been collecting since I bought it several years ago. The GPS stores all my movements and tracks every footstep I have ever taken. Of course like everything else in my spreadsheets this is meaningless rubbish. Until, that is, I uploaded it into Google Earth. Suddenly, the whole thing became clear, and I can now publish the astonishing results of my data-crunching:
1) I have never paid my subscription to the US military for using their multi-billion dollar GPS satellites (and I'm not worried 'cos they don't know where I live)!
2) I move at a much slower pace than I thought was humanly possible!
3) I take many more steps than I think I need to.
4) There are few discernible 'patterns' to my movements. Some are circles of various sizes but generally they appear to be aimless wandering.
5) When encountering obstacles like small hills, I tend to go around or turn back.
6) I have never been inside a sports stadium (or a gym)!
7) I frequently visit places that, on Google Earth at least, look suspiciously like country pubs!
8) For 92.85% of my time engaged in 'outdoor excursions', I am never more than 0.395 Km from a car park!
9) Most of my life is spent in a static position in my living room, facing the corner of that room where the TV is (there are occasional expeditions to the corner of the kitchen where the fridge is)!
10) I no longer think my ex-wife is an imbecile as her rantings about my lack of direction seem to be verified by the statistics. Also, I can no longer blame her for running away with that young Mr Darcy from the health shop (who, I must now admit, did look bloody good in those riding breeches).
So you see, with a little data and a copy of 'Boffinry For Idiots', we can all produce meaningful results and improve ourselves. Enlightened as I am by these results, I now intend to climb a high mountain range by the most difficult route and, once there, to seek out one of those mysterious and isolated lakes. As the sun sets and the surrounding peaks are reflected on the water's surface, I intend to launch my worthy GPS in a high arc toward the centre of the lake and meditate on the value of technology as it disappears below the surface with a satisfying plop. I will then wander off in some direction that is not uphill, seeking out a country pub where, in the company of indigenous tribes-people, I will rant about the meaning of life and the value of statistics.
Something is not right. This message is just to keep things from messing up down the road